My Post College Life

Random thoughts from a recent grad. Consists mostly of misplaced hostility manifested as sarcastic smack-downs on people I don't personally know.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Double Liners

I speak today on a phenomenon that exposes the utter lack of social niceties and manners in the perpetrator. This atrocity occurs in all types of multi-registered retail checkout areas, and afflicts all races, genders and age groups.
Picture it; there you are standing patiently in line at a store, waiting for the 80 year old woman in front of you to finish counting out the total due, in pennies. The guy at the other register has a cartload of stuff, and the clerk seems to be a newbie at the rate he’s going. You can feel yourself grinding your teeth, loosing patience by the second but restraining yourself from yelling something akin to “Hey! I’d like to get out of this store before I’m as old and decrepit as you old bag!” Because, really, you have more class than that.
So you wait, five minutes, ten minutes, and sweating your ass off all the while. You only have one item, and you wonder if there isn’t just one more pimply faced, socially awkward minor in the whole store to open a third register. There are two people behind you, also grinding their teeth and maybe thinking about how they are going to run the old hag down in the parking lot.

This old lady rocks a lot harder than the one in this story. []

Finally the decrepit woman packs it up to leave, and you let out the “I’m going to kill you” breath you were holding. Out of your peripheral you see a overweight, middle-aged, poofy haired, do-gooder type stroll up next to you and stop. You take a few seconds to ponder her purpose for standing there next to you, when you yourself are standing squarely between the two registers. As the old woman slowly steps away from the register, it happens. That seemingly harmless woman takes a step toward the register. You have to think quick, do you let it slide? Do you let your patient ten minutes of standing go to waste? Ten minutes! Who knows what other, amazing things you could have done with those ten minutes? Could’ve saved a baby from a burning building, donated food to a homeless shelter, helped an old lady across the street…and then killed her for making you wait so damn long in line. And what of the people behind you, who are going to be waiting even longer? Would you really doom them to ten more minutes of this retail retardedness?


‘No my friends,’ you think, ‘I will not be responsible for throwing that fate upon you.’ You abruptly step up to the register, effectively cutting off her path to an unfairly quick checkout. You see the overweight teenage girl behind the register give you a look, and admonish her in your mind that she should have done this herself. You shoot the do-gooder an “I’m going on 4 hours of sleep and the last thing I’ve got patience for is your fat ass” look and give the clerk your one item, sleeping pills. Poofy hair comments, “she must be having a bad day,” with an audible smile.
You turn your head just enough that she would hear, “well there was one line,” and proceed to swipe your credit card.
“Well I didn’t notice that.”
“What are you blind AND fat?” You want to say it so bad your lips burn. However, you hold your tongue and take the offered receipt from the clerk who bids a “Have a nice day” as you walk away.
She really should have let it go, that poofy haired cow, but she throws out an “I doubt that!”
You turn around then, drop a loud “Bitch” bomb, and proceed out the door, hoping you’ve taught her some kind of lesson.


So you see my friends, double lining won’t really get you anywhere. For one thing, it makes you look crude, ill-mannered, and oblivious. Not to mention all the enemies you’ll make out of the poor shmucks behind you. Just think, if everyone double lined there would be utter chaos, fire would rain from the skies, black would be white, society itself would disintegrate! If you’re a past double liner you no longer have the “I didn’t notice the single line” excuse, because I am telling you now: THERE IS ALWAYS A SINGLE LINE unless there is a previously formed double line. If this doesn’t work for you, simply pretend that every retail checkout situation occurs at a bank, with velvet ropes and security guards, and you wait until that cashier calls you up next. Do your neighbor a favor, don’t double line.


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