My Post College Life

Random thoughts from a recent grad. Consists mostly of misplaced hostility manifested as sarcastic smack-downs on people I don't personally know.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Religious Sarcasm Is Fun!

The Inspiring Piece of Information

“Come here Jimmy, I’ll read you a bedtime story.”

Image courtesy of

“Ah super Pop, which one will you read me tonight?”
“Well Jimmy, it’s the touching story of the now extinct Christian Fundamentalist or K-Feds for short.”
“Wow Pop, what in the world’s a Christian Fundamentalist?”
“Son, those were people who were pretty much in charge of things until the ancient times of the late 20th century. They tried to push their Christian religion into politics so that everyone in the world would have to follow their ideas of right and wrong, even if it wasn’t what other people wanted.”
“That’s awful Pop! So why do we call them K-Feds now?”
“Well, no one really knows, but there is an old theory that it comes from an early 21st century term that means ‘one who leaches off others in order to promote or further ones own ideas and aspirations,’ but son it generally means someone or something that no one likes but can’t get rid of.”
“But Pop, if the K-Feds were so powerful back in those days, why aren’t there any around now?”
“That’s what this story is about Jimmy, how the K-Feds forced themselves to extinction.

It all started in the late 20th century; the K-Feds were just starting to lose their control over the people of the United States. Young people were exploring new ideas and religions and questioning the Christian church ideals that were becoming irrelevant in the more modern times. The guidance in the nearly two thousand year old bible was not meeting all of the needs of people. So the majority of people stopped taking the bible literally and grouped to simply lived by it’s most basic messages of right and wrong. Another group decided to take the bible even more seriously than ever before, while still another group quit the religion all together. The group that stayed the course to live by the bible word for word were the K-Feds, while those who decided to interpret the book more fitting for the times were simply dubbed ‘average Christians.’

See Jimmy, when a majority becomes a minority, it usually means that it couldn’t adapt to keep up with the changes in its environment. In natural selection, where the once strong top of the food chain is killed off by climate changes or disease, the smaller, more adaptable species comes out on top and by rights can shame the old regime to a degree of their choosing. However, the K-Feds wouldn’t take their smiting on their knees, as is recommended.

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Since the K-Feds were getting less and less attention and support from politics and the general population, they decided to mount a strike against progressive society. They fought to have their theories taught in public schools where non-Christians were also enrolled and murdered doctors who performed procedures that went against their beliefs.

Now the start of the extinction began in the year 2006, when a vaccine emerged to prevent a disease that led to cancer in women. The disease, called HPV, was spread by sexual relations, much like AIDS. You do remember your history lesson in school about AIDS, don’t you Jimmy?”
“Oh yes sir, it certainly was terrible back then with all those diseases!”

“Yes it was Jimmy, and we should always be grateful for the hard working scientists who developed the vaccines to wipe them out. Now here’s something that might be hard for you to understand, son, the K-Feds did everything possible to discourage the thoughts and actions associated with sexual relations among their brethren. You do remember your sexual education lessons, don’t you son?”

“Yes Pop.”

“Good son. Now, the K-Feds were worried that the vaccine would lessen the fear they had worked so hard to instill in their children about the dangers and sin of sex. Particularly the ignorance they ensured by not allowing their kids to attend a real sexual education class with facts on STI’s.”

Abstinence In-Action

“Golly Pop, why would they do something like that?”
“Well Jimmy the K-Feds believed that Jesus was celibate for all his 31 years of life, since the bible doesn’t describe his late adolescent and early adult life until his death. We know now that as a young Jewish man in those times, he would have had to marry by that age in order to be viewed as a respectable member of society. We also know that sex is a perfectly natural thing and that, while it’s best to have it with only with your spouse, many people have committed, loving relationships without an official marriage contract. We also know that a contractual marriage does not ensure the absence of adulterous behavior in either partner.

The K-Feds didn’t care so much about eradicating disease as they did about doing everything in their power to keep the fear of sex alive in their children. Today’s K-Fed researches believe this was their way of avoiding discussion on the uncomfortable topic all together, and thus keep all members of their sect in ignorant, uptight bliss. The K-Feds believed that their children’s future spouses would be truthful about their sexual history, which they assumed would consist of virginity. So while every other parent in the country vaccinated their pre-teen children against HPV, the K-Feds refused, citing their religious morals as defense for their neglectful parenting.

Historically K-Fed children of that era were even more promiscuous than their average Christian counterpart, so even though they would swear to Jesus that they would not do those “bad” things, they would go hump the football team/cheerleading squad anyway. Since these youngsters had no factual knowledge of STI’s, they thought that if they prayed enough after sex they would not catch the diseases. Now, since the K-Fed teens were the only ones not protected, they gave HPV to one another in their ensuing sexual relations. Now once a woman has HPV, it becomes frighteningly easy for her to develop ovarian cancer. This is what started to kill off the K-Fed women. Around this time the AIDS vaccine came out, along with vaccines for many other STI’s. The K-Fed’s in charge also rejected these vaccines for the same reasons as the HPV one. Now with so few women around, the males of the species started having sex with the same women as other males, or even each other. The other people of the world viewed the species as rats, capable only of harboring and spreading diseases, and propaganda. They were ostracized from normal society. Soon every member of the K-Fed population was infected with AIDS, and since there was still no cure, they died off generation by generation until their whole species ceased to exist.

Fun with Ovarian Cancer

“Wow Pop, this may sound crass of me, but I don’t think I feel too badly for the K-Feds, because well, it sounds like they did this to themselves and they didn’t seem like very nice people.”

“Well Jimmy you are in good company with all the other people in the world that are glad to be free of that over-zealous and annoying species. Now we have to remember the Christian Fundamentalists to ensure that no other religion falls into that same self-defeating trap of ignorant righteousness.”

“Yeah, that’s good advice, but there’s still one thing bothering me Pop.”

“What’s that Jimmy?”

“I thought everyone knew all about species evolving or dying out, even back then, I mean they teach it to us at school, and I know they taught it back in those days too!”

“Don’t be silly Jimmy, K-Feds don’t believe in evolution!”


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