Office Gripes-Round 1

Gripes in order of occurrence…

1.) Common greeting terms such as “yo,” and “wuddup” are considered “street talk.”

2.) Why the hell does that one guy wear jeans to work everyday while I make the effort to conquer the ambiguous “business casual?”

3.) I’ve noticed that approximately 80% of my office mates are falling victim to the dreaded ‘office chair spread.’ This socially debilitating affliction mostly targets the sufferer’s ass and abdomen, causing them to break loose from their trim, youthful confines and bulge slowly outwards like pudding squeezed from a cup. Pondering whether it’s contagious.

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4.) One of my bosses catches up with me in the break room, mentioning he heard I got on the fiber measurement project and recommending that I should “get your eyes checked” in a joking manner. That douche had better be kidding because I don’t make anywhere near enough to go blind for this place, fat maybe, but not blind.

5.) Instead of more common and genial queries such as “how are you doing?” and “How’s it going?” the engineering phrase of casual personal inquiry seems to be “so what are you working on?” I’m assuming their pick-up lines proceed in similar fashion.

6.) Free doughnuts in the break room twice a week. Can’t help but wonder why the bosses think it’s a good idea to promote Gripe #3. Theory: the bosses plot to get us bright, young employees fatter and fatter each year, thus eroding our self-esteem and demoralizing us until we’ll work for pennies to stay holed up in our safe cubicles living off Doritos crumbs and the internet.

7.) I’ve realized that those Dilbert comic strips I used to almost laugh at are now sadly on-point.

8.) One of my bosses keeps a room in the back solely for storing all his audio equipment including a keyboard and various stage setup gadgets. Theory: he stores it here so his wife won’t bitch at him for practicing his crappy, mid-life crisis wannabe white band music in the house.

9.) I caught one of my coworkers coasting along on his kick scooter during lunch break. Theory: after getting a PhD, a person has gained so much useless information that they revert back to a child mind-state to ease the blinding pressure of knowledge. As long as it keeps ‘em from shooting up the place I say, ride on.

10.) The guy in the cubicle next to me eats fruit all fucking day, everyday. Is this guy on a bitch diet or what? He’s over there crunching away for twenty minutes at a time, the sound making my skin crawl all the while. It annoys me even more that his exasperating habit is good for him; I’m certain I’d feel better somehow if he were noisily scarffing Pringles.