My Post College Life

Random thoughts from a recent grad. Consists mostly of misplaced hostility manifested as sarcastic smack-downs on people I don't personally know.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Office Gripes-Round 1

Gripes in order of occurrence…

1.) Common greeting terms such as “yo,” and “wuddup” are considered “street talk.”

2.) Why the hell does that one guy wear jeans to work everyday while I make the effort to conquer the ambiguous “business casual?”

3.) I’ve noticed that approximately 80% of my office mates are falling victim to the dreaded ‘office chair spread.’ This socially debilitating affliction mostly targets the sufferer’s ass and abdomen, causing them to break loose from their trim, youthful confines and bulge slowly outwards like pudding squeezed from a cup. Pondering whether it’s contagious.

Image courtesy of

4.) One of my bosses catches up with me in the break room, mentioning he heard I got on the fiber measurement project and recommending that I should “get your eyes checked” in a joking manner. That douche had better be kidding because I don’t make anywhere near enough to go blind for this place, fat maybe, but not blind.

5.) Instead of more common and genial queries such as “how are you doing?” and “How’s it going?” the engineering phrase of casual personal inquiry seems to be “so what are you working on?” I’m assuming their pick-up lines proceed in similar fashion.

6.) Free doughnuts in the break room twice a week. Can’t help but wonder why the bosses think it’s a good idea to promote Gripe #3. Theory: the bosses plot to get us bright, young employees fatter and fatter each year, thus eroding our self-esteem and demoralizing us until we’ll work for pennies to stay holed up in our safe cubicles living off Doritos crumbs and the internet.

7.) I’ve realized that those Dilbert comic strips I used to almost laugh at are now sadly on-point.

8.) One of my bosses keeps a room in the back solely for storing all his audio equipment including a keyboard and various stage setup gadgets. Theory: he stores it here so his wife won’t bitch at him for practicing his crappy, mid-life crisis wannabe white band music in the house.

9.) I caught one of my coworkers coasting along on his kick scooter during lunch break. Theory: after getting a PhD, a person has gained so much useless information that they revert back to a child mind-state to ease the blinding pressure of knowledge. As long as it keeps ‘em from shooting up the place I say, ride on.

10.) The guy in the cubicle next to me eats fruit all fucking day, everyday. Is this guy on a bitch diet or what? He’s over there crunching away for twenty minutes at a time, the sound making my skin crawl all the while. It annoys me even more that his exasperating habit is good for him; I’m certain I’d feel better somehow if he were noisily scarffing Pringles.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Misplaced Nostalgia Part II

Yes I made it back alive from that mentally crippling blackhole that is Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I achieved a surprising personal record of getting lost three times in ONE DAY in a city I lived in for five years. I could be honest and say it was probably my own fault for taking navigator (read: bitch) seat on four hours of sleep, but I'd much rather blame it on the fact that all Pittsburgh city planners are hired based on their lack of common sense and sense of direction. In short, saw some friends, ate some food, drank some beer. Although, how I managed to cram all of the seeing, eating, and drinking that was accomplished into 48 hours I will never know.

I found it ironically hilarious to see all the hang-over victims schlepping their way in and out of Brueggers at noon, still in pajamas, and with no discernable sign of owning hair brushes. Their shear numbers in the tiny cafe resulted in the unique "freshman musk" permeating every corner. And in case you don't know, musk=stink here. I am such a bastard.

Some things I'll never miss:
-Subjecting my car to the steel plate covered, garbage/drunk student strewn, poorly lit, crater infested riverbeds they call "streets." Christ I'd rather break out the horse and buggy and take my chances on a dirt road! Here's a friendly tip, when a car hits a pothole and its passengers ass' leave their seats, it's time to fix the goddamn hole!
-The atmosphere of academically induced depression is not only palpable but highly contagious as well. By the time we left I just knew I was going to fail that Chem 2 midterm next week...
-The mysterious lack of a decent, all-night eatery on campus, and no 7-11 doesn't count you idiot!
-Furthering the cliched college student/waitress combo.
-Fat bitches in spandex.

Some things I never thought I'd miss:
-The relatively polite homeless guys.
-Making fun of the geeks in CD Warehouse.
-Hillman. Am I a nerd? Abso-friggin-lutely.

Some things I'd move back for:
-Uncle Sams
-Schenley Park
-Frisbee on the Cathedral lawn

Ah college, until next time...