My Post College Life

Random thoughts from a recent grad. Consists mostly of misplaced hostility manifested as sarcastic smack-downs on people I don't personally know.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Let's Play The Race Game

First one to restitution wins!

I am a prejudiced bastard. There I said it. I have a tendency to think a person will act or speak a certain way based on their color, gender, and social status.

I have been following this whole Michael Richards thing since it first occurred on November 20, 2006. In the event you've been moonlighting as Howard K. Sterns' self-respect: Michael Richards (aka Kramer on Seinfeld) was doing a stand-up gig at the Laugh Factory. In the middle of his act a group of people (minorities) walks in and sits down. According to one group member this irritated Richards and he made some mean comments to them. Then later in the act one or more group members started heckling him and this sets Richards off. Most of the incident was caught on video, although the film didn’t start a’rollin until Richards took his racist shots at the hecklers. The reason this is national news is because in his rage, Richards dropped the n-bomb, like 236 times. Just kidding, it was actually closer to 10…or 20.

Ok, after the video hits the internet and Jerry Seinfeld makes a statement about how “sick” he feels about this incident concerning his former costar and friend, Richards publicly apologizes on Letterman via satellite. Richards didn’t even make up a lame excuse to hide behind like alcoholism, drugs, or Kevin Federline[1]. He just expressed his regret over his actions and claimed that he let his anger consume him while on stage that night. Damn, didn’t his agent ever tell him that only losers[2] and 5-year olds[3] tell the truth?

Now the victims (two black guys) of Richards’ rage are touring the morning talk show circuit to talk about how the only thing that will cure their pain and anguish is some cold hard cash. Yes, that’s right, either their sleazy attorney introduced the idea to the innocent young lads hoping to score a juicy cut, or these are some seriously transparent, prideless, mooching bitches. You think if this happened with some small-time comedian[4] they would be paying a lawyer to try and profit from this situation? Ha! Those broke bitches probably would’ve just waited outside the back door to kick his lily white ass for free. If all they really wanted was a personal apology from Richards, I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t be trying to cash in right now. I love their attorney’s lame ass reason for their cash-sniffing:

“If our children took a rock and threw it through the window of a next-door neighbor, we would say to that child, ‘Go to the neighbor, apologize directly to the neighbor and pay the cost of that window that you broke,'" ... "We think it’s important that he follow his words with deeds."

You stupid, stupid bitch. How the hell did your dumb ass pass the bar? God damn I can’t believe you haven’t killed yourself with your own stupid yet. So from your logic, every time someone says something that requires an apology they should accompany their words with cash? You know, that shit's got some merit.

Sleazy lawyer: your baseless drivel has reduced my IQ by ten points and made me fear for the fate of humanity, you owe me an apology accompanied by twenty bucks. Please do not send check. That is all.

Ten bucks says this ho is working pro-bono until she can get her slice of the settlement. So now what? Should Richards apologize to the victims of his rant? In my opinion (which I know you really want and value) it’s sort of important what the black guys said to Richards. What if they called him a “fucking Jew” or “cracker” or any other slur, should he still apologize? On BET’s comic view the comics spout out “cracker,” “white-boy,” and “whitey” all the time, especially when there is a white audience member. I haven’t heard any of those victims trying to sue or demand an apology even though they got a slavery-era slur to the face. As much as white people sue each other[5], you don’t hear about them suing blacks or Mexicans (because they’re smart)[6] or Asians (because they’re smart)[7]. Maybe white people are masochists and think they deserve the abuse, to make up for their forefathers[8], or something.

I’m not saying that the words spick, chink, cracker, nigger, sand digger, etc are ok, it just seems like whenever these words are uttered they completely erase the faults of the receiving party.
There are always two sides, and the media is only interested in one.

All the racist/prejudicial opinions containted in this rant include but may not be limited to:
[1] Federlineism: insinuating that Kevin Federline is a lame excuse.
[2] Implying that all losers tell the truth.
[3] Insinuating that all 5 year-olds tell the truth.
[4] Suggesting that all small-time comedians are broke bitches that live in their mom’s basement.
[5] Insinuating that white people are litigious.
[6] Alluding that blacks and Mexicans are too broke to be sued successfully.
[7] Suggesting that Asians are too smart/rich to be sued successfully.
[8] Implying that all white people’s forefathers were slave owners.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

The Guy's Guide to Yeast Infections

For all the men out there that can't seem to get any from their girlfriends/wives until this ailment runs its course and are looking for a miracle cure...suck it up. However, if you're looking for something that will fully explain the agony that is Yeast Feast, follow the link. Now you will bear full witness to all thoughts, sensations, and cures Yeast. Your woman will thank you for the sympathy.

P.S. I think I like this 'Guy's Guide' premise, I may do a follow up on the mysterious Gyno Exam.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Tom Murt Is A Douchebag

First off I'd like to apologize if this post is rushed and crappy in general, I had to completely rewrite it after Blogger erased it. Lovely.

I don't know who Tom Murt is, what office he's running for, or even what political party he represents. I have purposefully delayed Googling this guy until after I write this rant to keep it politically impartial. The scene proceeded thusly:
I went to vote last night, and pulled into a parking lot surrounded by political fliers and signs. I approach the building's main door, cross the threshold, and come face to face with some old fart trying to hand me a political flier for Tom Murt. After politely declining and effectively hiding my initial reaction of shock, I proceed to the voting room which was less than 20 feet away. I voice my concern of their proximity and get a kindly "we're looking into it."
After voting I head back toward the group of decrepit seniors and overhear one of the voting officials arguing with them about how close they are. One guy claims that they are outside the required ten foot proximity. Here's about where I call bullshit. If some lady in Kansas can get a ticket for sporting a political bumper sticker within 250 feet of a polling location, then these assholes should at least be politely told to back the fuck up.
So, in conclusion, what these tools were doing was unethical, tacky, low-class, and most importantly, fucking annoying. All of these qualities can be associated with douchebags. I'll use my tough-shit theory of reletivity and calculate that Tom Murt is now a douchebag.

The End.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Dustin Rowles Is A Fucking Genius And Here's Why:

Please follow this link for reference material.
I am as indifferent to movie reviews as the next literate American, only skimming the column or paragraph for some juicy criticism. However, this man has taken the film review to a level of bitching wit thine eyes have ever had the pleasure of settling on. I may try to transcribe my irritated thoughts via prickly sarcasm and humor dryer than your grandma's cooch, but I must bow my protesting head to this man.
Kudos to you sir.

P.S. Did you whiners vote yet??