Another Good Example of Why People Think Southerners Are Stupid/Honky

I found these gems of mental ineptitude from an interview by College Humor with Playboy Playmate Colleen Marie, Miss August 2003. Here are a few of the dooky diamonds:

"Q: How did you decide you wanted to pose nude?

A: My friend sent my pics in for a college search. So technically none of this blatant nudity is my fault."

Because we all know that giving your friends access to those bare-assed, post coital pics some FSU frat boy probably took of you after you passed out cold on his room mate's bunk bed is totally not your fault. Quite possibly the lamest excuse for 'accidentaly' landing yourself in Playboy, ever.

"Q: Is it weird knowing that millions of people have seen you naked?

A: ... Actually only weird to know my relatives might have seen it, remember I am from the south so the chances are pretty high."

I have to give her credit here for actually admitting that her family is a bunch of inbred rednecks that wack it to their grand-daughter's/niece's/cousin's Playboy spread.

"Q: Has your Dad ever seen your pictures and what does he think of them?

A: Funny story, he bought the first issue I was in, the College Girls issue, because he thought it was just sexy pics, not nude. Well he opened at his office took one look and slammed shut in his briefcase. Deep down I think he's proud."

[Read: We haven't spoken since] I haven't felt this much denial seeping from a sentence since Nicole Richie's latest round of "I'm not anorexic."
It's such a relief to know that although her dad would check out his daughter's sexy pics in a "college girls issue" of a magazine, he knows to draw the line at bare nipples.

"Q: The Grotto: Can you get me in?

A: Do you really wanna go in a hot tub that millions of little sperm are dying in right now?? Didn't think so."

You hear that? Playboy=dead sperm. Cancel your subscriptions now!!!

Just to clarify this interview was done by and is property of College Humor, I'm just using it to rip on and pass time. I really shouldn't insult this girl too much, after all she is making money off those funbags while mine are sitting here burning her for free.

QUIT YOUR WHINING AND VOTE BITCH!

I know it's outragiously hip right now to act like you give a damn about politics and the homeless and 'having an impact.' Seriously though, if all you're doing is spraying crap out of that Starbucks slurpin', vegan eatin', V.D.'d cake hole of yours, then please stop, nobody not many people like to be crapped on.

I'm also aware of how precarious that line is between fashionable caring, and the lamage of actually caring, it's such a hard life. Take heart superficial yuppies! No one has to know you really care, you can keep up your facade while still secretly DOing good stuff. Voting is a particularly easy thing to do behind the backs of that cow herd you call a posse. Click the above link, it'll take ten minutes and approximately 55¢.

You may now return to your job/drink/sharpie huffing.

Misplaced Nostalgia Part I

I’ve been out of college since May, and have been working a full time office job every since. Now I find myself facing the first trip back to a place I’ve utterly despised as recently as January 2006.

Pittsburgh oh how I used to loathe you, wrinkle my nose at the very smell of you, and secretly plot to destroy your pathetic excuse for a bus system. No, I was never really fond of your multiple gun shots two blocks from campus, or your overweight black women sporting pink spandex. Neither did I care for the ultra-inflated cost of basic necessities such as food and condoms within a ten mile radius of Pitt campus. Never in my wildest, psychotic dreams did I ever see seventy five cents purchasing ONE package of ramen noodles. The fact that your corrupt political leaders thought a good way to curtail your impending bankruptcy was to raise Parking Authority lot rates AND increase the quota for parking tickets. Also, the fact that the lumberjack and T-Boz looks are still fashionable with your locals continues to baffle me. Let’s not forget those trifecta of stupid (drunk, ignorant, violent) football fans that also inexplicably pop up in every single U.S. city I’ve ever been to.

Now, however, I sense I am starting to miss your unpretentious, veiled charms. The fact that I could get anywhere from campus to downtown to Squirrel Hill in twenty minutes. The confused and dejected looks on your tourists faces after stepping off a Just Ducky Tour vehicle. The honest way the old people on the Port Authority bus would call me a “little asshole” for invading your pristine and financially independent borders. And of course $1 Yuengling Fridays at Hemingway’s, your bar by a scholarly drunk for scholarly drunks.

Most of all, I miss the Pitt atmosphere of intellectual slacking. I never truly appreciated my years in college until I got my piece of paper and token ball-point pen. It was a magically detached atmosphere where wearing pajamas in public at 2pm would turn no heads, and drinking 3-5 days per week still fell under the “social drinker” category. Yes, it was quite the carefree time, where ‘finding yourself’ was more important than rent money, and underwear was optional.

If I survive the trip, I’ll do follow-up blog about how old I feel and my quarter-life crisis. Stay tuned.

In My Humble Opinion:

As Americans, we should try to recognize our similarities and celebrate our differences (corny I know). As a Christian, one should be tolerant, forgiving, and loving. Isn’t Christianity about imitating Christ? Wasn’t he supposed to be all of those things?

The Christian group “Christian Battle Cry” has the same undertones as the terrorist organization E.T.A.. Specific quotes of relevance: “ETA is considered by Spain, France, the European Union, and the United States to be a terrorist organization…” and “It evolved rapidly from a group advocating traditional cultural ways, to an armed group fighting for independence.”

I think religious teen/youth groups are great if they help the individual deal with problems/life. However, I do not support any group of any religion that encourages violent behavior in defending their religion from “attacks” a la Al Qaeda. If Christians want to be more pro-active in their faith they should be missionaries, not soldiers. Battle Cry is taking faith to a place it isn’t meant to go: murder for religion.

I came across an article written by a decidedly liberal viewpoint. This is the first of three articles written on the group and its war-themed rallies which feature armed Navy SEALs brandishing assault rifles on the stage. The articles outline the blatant appreciation for violent overtones and declarations of war as well as the fact that good old President George W. Bush sent a letter of support, greeting, prayer and encouragement to the Battle Cry event which was read to open the rally.

I have visited the official Battle Cry website and read some disturbing things. Words such as “warrior”, “battle plan”, and “trench mate,” are used to illustrate the organizations mission to fight the war they believe is being waged against Christianity. The following is “the crisis”:
“A stealthy enemy has infiltrated our country and is preying upon the hearts and minds of 33 million American teens. Corporations, media conglomerates, and purveyors of popular culture have spent billions to seduce and enslave our youth. So far, the enemy is winning. But there is plenty we can do. We need to take action. We need to answer the Battle Cry.”

So Christians are noting that their religion seems to have come under attack in recent years. Maybe it has something to do with members of the Christian religion pressing their values on everyone else. If members of the Islamic faith decided one day that everyone needed to be like them and started going on TV and staging rallies and telling people that they’re damned for not being of their sect, well then everyone would be attacking Islam. Oh that’s right, they already are.

The problem I see with this organization is that they are doing the same things to America’s youth that the corporations are guilty for. Battle Cry creates a sort of mob mentality, a team scenario in which impressionable teens think they are more important and “better” than those poor unsaved schmucks on the opposite side. They are feeding on the need teens have to ‘follow the herd’ and to yearn for acceptance within a group. They try to say that they want to save teens from the scurge of popular culture that has brainwashed them into a damned existence without values.

See also the Wikipedia summary of the Battle Cry organization for some truly eye opening quotes. I especially like "We will respect the authorities placed in our lives, even though some may not live as honorably as they should." Classic.

If Battle Cry really wanted to help teens overcome our mind numbing corporate culture, they would be out there encouraging our youth to think for themselves and support small business. How about encouraging teens to volunteer, to watch less T.V., spend more time with their families? This organization may claim to do these things, but the problem is they use the Christian religion and fear of Hell as their motivation. If, for example, you were a Jewish teen looking for guidance, it wouldn’t matter to Battle Cry if you agreed with their distaste for popular culture and needed help because, well, you’re a Jew.

So what is the difference between the fashion industry saying “buy this Gucci bag or risk being totally uncool and friendless,” and the Christan Battlecry saying “join this group and support our cause or go to Hell?” In the fashion industry there are tons of choices in brand name labels that will get you popularity, acceptance and shallow notoriety if you can shell out enough cash. In the industry of religion there is apparently only one brand good enough to keep you from eternal damnation, and all it will cost is your soul. I think I'll stick with the Gucci bag.